On September 14^th, I fly to Canterbury, England with 20 other students from my college for thirteen weeks. That’s 91 days, 2184 hours, 131,040 minutes that I will be worlds away from the two most significant people in my life – my fiancé, Malcom, and my 2 year old son, Jeremiah.

I believe study abroad will increase my chances of providing a more fulfilling life for my son and it is for this reason I chose to go…mostly. Studying literature in Canterbury (home of The Canterbury Tales) is something most English Majors would give their left arm for, but unless I pursue a Master’s Degree or a teaching certification, it doesn’t boost my resume as much as I would like.

At the same time, it does give me an opportunity I will never get again: the chance to gain an in-depth knowledge of another country’s customs while studying my favorite subjects.  In fact, through North Central College’s “NCC in England” program, I’ll be visiting the Globe Theatre, Stonehenge, and more exciting historical landmarks for no extra financial cost. I can’t say how high the emotional cost will be on my son, or me, however, because while I’m away, his father will be studying business in Japan.

I’m beyond scared to leave my son for three months. What if he doesn’t remember me (despite the phone calls and Skype dates)? What if he’s scarred for life because he thinks his mom and dad left forever?

What if, what if, what if…what if people think I’m a horrible mother?

And why do I still feel like I may be making the wrong decision by traveling across the globe?

I can give you my best guess: mothers are not supposed to leave their children. Ever. Women are taught that they should sacrifice everything for the sake of their children. Men who decide to leave their children are cut a little more slack by society (though not by the abandoned mothers or children).

All of these societal teachings reminded me of the life-story of Reiko Rizzuto, author of Hiroshima in the Morning. In 2001, Rizzuto was given a grant to spend 8 months in Japan doing research for her two new novels. When she returned, her outlook on being a mother had shifted. While going through her divorce later on, she gave up full custody of her children to her husband.

Rizzuto felt she wasn’t – and had never been—cut out for parenting full-time.  The media circus that followed her sharing her decision was atrocious. The negative, nasty comments left on her blogs made me question why she was being criticized so harshly? Thousands of dead-beat dads never even meet their kids. She still lives down the street, sees her kids every day, and is financially supportive. She’s no dead-beat…so why the fuss?

Strangely, even though I could never give up custody of my child, I’m feeling already what could be the tip of the negative feedback iceberg Ms. Rizzuto encountered.

A young man at my college told me that my fiancé and I were being “completely irresponsible” for doing study abroad at the same time and leaving Jeremiah with family. A few other young mothers I know have looked down their noses and told me that they would never have done what I’m doing, “but if it works for you…”

I found myself justifying my decision. And while it really was a difficult one to make, I shouldn’t have to explain myself to those who are not emotionally invested in my family’s lives.

The opportunity to study what I love in England will probably not present itself again. I’ve lived with my fiancé since we found out I was pregnant, and before that I lived with family or a roommate. I’ve never really been alone. Even in high school, I always had a boyfriend or a best friend I spent every minute with. The opportunity to live alone in a country I’ve never been to, while frightening, gives me the chance to discover things about myself that I have never had the chance to learn.

I’ll be able to take a walk and read on a park bench by myself whenever I want. I’ll be able to do homework without Nick Jr. on in the background. I’ll be able to have girl’s nights with my traveling companions and not have to worry that my black dress has a baby powder handprint on the hem.

I am so excited to have been given this opportunity to learn about British culture and literature yet I am even more thrilled to learn about who I really am. A life of worries and “what ifs” is not lived to the fullest. Discovering who I truly want to be will allow me to appreciate the beauty around me instead of focusing on the worries and anxiety that come with daily motherhood.