Or doctors or teachers, or cleaners or bakers
Some mommies drive taxis, or sing on TV”
-“Parents are People,” lyrics by Harry Belafonte and Marlo Thomas
I’m a “poetry maker” mommy. And that means, for better or for worse, that many poems begin with my son. But that’s not always where they end. I have found that it is helpful to have some self-imposed guidelines for writing poems about him.
My poetry, like many poets’ work, resides in the grey space between memoir and fiction. Many of my poems are narrative, and the process of writing them helps me to better untangle mysteries and experience my life more deeply. The editing process – in which I am working to craft a poem rather than simply record a memory – is where the fictionalizing comes in. I might change a number of details to help the reader jump through metaphors with me.
I think of my son as my most important reader (even if he can’t read yet.)What will he think when he reads these poems? At what age will he understand the difference between fact, fiction and truth? I do hope that my poems can be something I am (and he is) proud of, rather than embarrassed by. Before becoming a mother, I imagined a reader who seemed vaguely like myself; this new reader presents a larger challenge.
Many parent writers will go to extremes: they refuse to write about their children or they focus entirely on them. I’m trying to find a middle ground. I know it is impossible to avoid writing about my experiences with my son. After all, everything else pales in comparison to his explorations of this world.
As I edit and revise poems, I try to follow a few self-imposed guidelines:
– I work to protect my son’s privacy. When I blog about him, I call him the “bambino.” I’m not using his name so that he won’t show up in online searches. As he grows, I might be more hesitant to include physical details or his actions.
– I check first with my best friend (my husband) before publishing to help me to consider any ethical or moral questions. I’m happy to make necessary edits to help protect my family. As a former journalist and a working scientist father, he offers a different perspective, which is quite helpful.
– I will always be honest about experiences, which may mean altering facts in order to result in an emotional truth.
Some drafts of poems begin and end in my journal if they can’t pass through these guidelines. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that my son will never read them, but it does mean that they will not be published.
Do you have self-imposed guidelines about writing about loved ones?
Chloe Yelena Miller, poet, lives in Washington, D.C., with her husband and son. She is the author of Unrest, Finishing Line Press. She blogs about intersecting roles at Woman Mother Writer (http://womanmotherwriter.blogspot.com).
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Chloe Yelena Miller
http://chloeyelenamiller.blogspot.com/
Author of Unrest, a poetry chapbook from Finishing Line Press (February
2013). Purchase your signed copy today:
http://chloeyelenamiller.blogspot.com/p/unrest-poetry-chapbook.html
