Here is how I know for sure that my maker is a woman and one with a wicked sense of humor. Girlfriend saw fit to match me – the wordiest of wordy women – with my mate…surely the most indifferent, heedless, hapless, (okay, I’ll say it) unskilled communicator who ever asked his prom date to write his term paper.
In hilariously endearing moments, he almost seems to drift into a language of his own making. Or, he substitutes wholesale actual nouns…for other randomly chosen nouns. Pliers! He calls from the garage. Drill, I think, after 17 years of marriage. And I bring him one. I’ve begun to translate his personal language, and I’m almost fluent. Yes, I do wonder if there was oxygen on his planet of origin, but I’ve found him to be an absolute keeper for other reasons, so I accommodate.
Except, of course, for the pronouns. Here is the prayer that runs through my mind: Dear God (Girlfriend), thank you for sending me a husband who is tall, handsome, faithful, hardworking and endowed with a great butt. Please fix his pronoun usage before I kill him. Amen
Is it too much to ask that he remember to WHOM he is referring when he announces, say, WHO is having a baby? (Key: WE were having the baby. I was not the single mom who happened to be in his carpool.) True story…he once asked me, “So, what are thinking of naming your baby?”
When we bought and refurbished a home that was something of a landmark, it was “Hey! I want you to come see my house!” When a couple we know stopped by for wine and caught us by surprise, he whispered, “I told you he might stop by.”
“HE meaning THEY?” I hissed. “They are not a he, they are a they! A them! I would have cleaned up the house for a them, not a him, a he, a….okay, just give me the wine.”
When we married, I did come into a windfall in the persons of three loving, funny stepchildren. We bonded immediately, which is something of a miracle given that, to this day, their dad refers to them as HIS children. Or, when addressing me, he says something like this: “My son called.” “Oh,” I respond. “Is this a new one? I’d love to meet him.” That’s right…17 years.
Pronouns are the understudies of the English language, I think. They are available and ready to perform when called upon…but they aren’t precisely the same as the original, best actors. Or maybe pronouns are the generic meds of our language. They are intended to work just the same as the name brand stuff, but users should be warned. If discomfort arises when one comes in contact with mouth, eyes or ears, professional help should be sought.
Bio: Mary Calzonetti, writer, lives with her husband and two adolescent daughters in Garden City, Kansas. After a lengthy career in public relations, marketing and community outreach,she is writing her personal Chapter 2, devoting her energies to poetry, consulting, blogging, volunteering and many, many hours supporting youth sports.
