The Acceptance and Change Continuum

Quieting down and tapping into inner wisdom requires many things, but one of the most profound is working with acceptance and change. Life hands us so much chaos, and we can create plenty of our own. How do we know when to stand back and let go, and when to step up to a challenge and act? Psychology, somatic therapy, and yoga offer many tools to help us hone our acceptance/change meter. We will delve deeper into these techniques in the future, but here is a primer to get us started.  

Sometimes it’s hard to leave things alone without micromanaging the bejesus out of them. When things feel out of control, spending hours on your Google Calendar planning the next six months of your life to the hour can be really gratifying. But when does our need for control stand in the way of being in the present and being open to new possibilities?  What are we missing when our lives lack spontaneity? I find that one of the hardest things to get right is striking this balance.  

One way of investigating where you are on the acceptance and change continuum is to check in with your body. Do you feel tight anywhere? How close are your shoulders to your ears? What is going on in your stomach? Are you breathing? Does it feel like your frontal cortex is being held in a vise?  If you feel extreme or chronic tightness in your body this may be a sign that you are gripping a little too hard and would benefit from relaxation exercises. On the other hand, if you feel a sinking feeling in your stomach, numbness or tingling in your throat or chest, this could be a sign that you are feeling helpless and depressed. Moving or acting in some way may be what you need.  Everyone’s body and the physical sensations associated with various emotions are different though, so it may take some time to recognize these connections for yourself.  

Another tool for gauging whether you need to accept or change in a given moment is by examining your intention. This can be tricky because our motivations for doing things are not always clear, and we can rationalize or justify behaviors that are not really in our best interest. Checking in with intentions can require a level of honesty that we are not quite ready for. Our true intentions might take time to emerge.  

Finally, self-awareness can help us find our way through the acceptance and change continuum.  What are our tendencies or default behaviors?  How do we cope with our feelings? I know for myself that I tend to procrastinate and avoid things, creating a lot of unnecessary stress for myself. Ironically, I can get a little crazy at my kids’ bedtime, and get really intolerant of any of their procrastination tactics, which also causes me a lot of stress. I can also micromanage silly things, like what brand of peanut butter I am buying, or I might obsess over what my family should have for dinner that night. I go on a mental mission, trying to land on the perfect dish that everyone will love.  Knowing this about myself gives me a better chance of catching myself in the throws of dinner rumination. Oh, I’m doing that again! Maybe I will keep doing it for a little longer; after all, maybe there is a perfect dish that will satisfy everyone.  Or maybe I decide to accept the impossibility of that, and let it go.